A Few Facts About Well Meaners

We hear the usual, soothing words that often do not soothe at all… “Grieving is a process…  Healing comes in time… This, that, or the other thing will bring closure/healing/peace… All you need is faith…” and so on and so on.  But, the plain truth is, it simply comes down to this:  We choose to survive, or we don’t.  And, we make our choice for any number of reasons--good, bad, or indifferent--understood by others or not.  We make our choice consciously, or simply on autopilot, steered most often by overwhelming emotions--emotions that either drive us to take our lives early, or put one foot, often agonizingly, in front the other.  Depression, chemical imbalances, and genetic components cannot be ignored here either and this is neither a “good thing,” or a “bad thing,” it is simply the thing that results out of our own coping abilities.   

Let me just say this:  There are no simple or easy pathways to healing grief--and, some grief cannot be healed at all, only lived with.  There are also no defined pathways to “healing” grief--and this is what makes helping someone through their personal grieving process so very difficult--because it is so personal.  

Perhaps the most painful suffering to witness, is that of the innocent, the fragile, and the  helpless--or one possessed of all these things--most often, a child.  It’s certainly no good telling a child that things will be better when they reach a certain milestone, when they “grow up,” or “in time,” or, “when the sun comes up.”  Often, for a child, November may as well be a hundred years away from Christmas and “in a minute” may as well be a thousand years away from the present moment.  But what if your child is ten?  Twelve?  Seventeen?  Time is relative to so many variables and it may seem to “heal all wounds,” but, sometimes, not even the passage of time can erase a soul-deep injury.

So, how do we soothe our children, much less ourselves, or our loved ones, when unimaginable pain comes to visit?   Well, to start with, it helps to understand that what may be all but trivial to one person, may be an irreparable wound to someone else.  This spans the gamut of grieving from the loss of a family member (“he/she lived a long life” ), to the loss of a companion animal (or, as some would think, “it was just a dog”) to schoolroom bullying (often devastating to a child, but nothing more than “sticks and stones” to others).  

Well, first off, do not force-feed anyone to swallow pablum, simple answers, or unwelcome religiosity--and, second, do not assume that you know what is best for someone else.  Thirdly, have the good sense to seek help (professional or otherwise) when you find you are in over your head. 

The fact is, comforting the emotionally wounded can be as much art form as anything else and you either have a talent for it, or you do not.  Don’t overestimate your talents!  Sure, most of us want to soothe the pain of others, but the simple truth is that we are not all good at doing so… in which case, sometimes, silence truly is golden.  It is usually better to admit candidly and kindly that you have no words or you do not know what to say than to open your mouth and compound despair.  

I can hear you now, “Winnie!  This is a Pagan Blog, talk about the Pagan way, not general clap-trap!”  O.K., let’s wade in then…

Grieving, loss, pain, and emotional anguish are universal human experiences--they are not the exclusive life experiences of any one group or religion.  So, what to do when some well meaning person of another faith or group tells you something along the lines of, “if he/she was right with the Lord, they’ll be in heaven!”  Or, “trust in the Lord and all will be well… you just have to have faith.”  Or, “it was God’s will.”  (What??!) 

The fact is that, quite often, Well Meaners (as a friend of mine once coined the term) are people who say things they really think--believe, even--will help someone else when, in fact, all they do is cause the person they are trying to help  additional pain.  The further fact is, it seldom helps to hurt the Well Meaner back--no matter how much we may want to.    

A few facts about Well Meaners:

• Well Meaners usually mean no harm.
• Well Meaners often cause irretrievable harm.
• Well Meaners can be of any group or religion--including your own!
• Well Meaners usually have no sense of the pain they cause.
• Well Meaners are often insensitive brutes--but, not always.
• Well Meaners are more likely to be offended than enlightened if you politely try to point out their well meaning ways.
• Well Meaners are often full of inappropriate advice that they dish out uninvited.
• Well Meaners are often kind, loving people.
• Well Meaners often expect you to pray with them--in their way, to their Deity, heedless of your feelings or the nature of your faith.
• Well meaners often assume you share their religious convictions.
• Sometimes, although Well Meaners do actually mean well, they are in fact bigots, racists, misogynists and/or raging homophobes or sometimes, all of the above.

So, what is the best way to handle a Well Meaner?  If you can stomach it, say something polite and honest and then get away from them with all haste!  If not, just get away.  Resist the oft overwhelming urge to lash out at someone like that in what you might feel is like-fashion--remember, these people mean well.  Try to respect that.  If you give them an unexpected tongue lashing, likely all you will accomplish is to foster a sense of utter confusion (or even pain) in a person you intended to “set right.”  What, ultimately, does this do?  Yup… gives you Karmic repercussions to deal with (like you need that on top of all else!)   The best course, then, is to say as little as possible and let the Universe take care of any lessons the Well Meaner has coming.

But, what to do if the Well Meaner is causing more harm than help and will not take your well placed hint to knock it off and just go away?  Like, for example, at the funeral of a mutual loved one?  Or, someone trying to tell you that your “gayness is just a phase that you’ll surely get over as soon as you come back to Jesus.”  This can be tricky, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to knowing if/when/how and how much to stand your ground.  Weigh the consequences.  Weigh harm against good.  Seek out, in short, The Pathway of Least Harm.  Be sensitive and thoughtful without being a martyr (there is rarely anything to be gained by needlessly throwing yourself on your sword).

When it comes to school bullying, there are rarely Well Meaners at work there--just kids and/or adults who actually mean harm.  So, be proactive, firm, and ready at a moments notice to take whatever action is legal, moral, and necessary to stop the problem.  It may even come down to swooping out of the Broom Closet and admitting that you are raising your child in a Pagan household--and then being prepared to either change schools, home school, or take legal action if the problem persists.  (If you think you need some good, solid Pagan advice on that score, you could start by contacting the Lady Liberty League, a link to which can be found on the web site www.circlesanctuary.org.)

It is seldom easy navigating the world if you are different and, in the final analysis, if you are Pagan in our society, that probably qualifies you as “different” by just about anybody’s standards.  But, being different for whatever reason, does not mean you should also be a victim.  Do not misunderstand me when I say that, sometimes, retreat is the best option--it is only ever the best option when it is the pathway of least harm, not simply when it is (or seems to be) the easiest option there is open to you. There are times when the longest, toughest road is the right road to take.

Blessed Be,
Winnie